Holodeck Four

Yes, I am blind
no, I can’t see
the good things
just the bad things
Yes, I am blind
no, I can’t see
there must be something
horribly wrong with me?

It’s a strange feeling, to be on your own when you spend most of your time with someone else.

Looking for an apartment still, but I’ve accepted a great one. Just hope I’ll get it.

Spent a few days at my fiancées mother last week. It was his birthday, so we kind of had to go there. Hanging out with people I barely know is always kind of scary. It was so hot I almost melted, and I like heat. 30C in the shade. The first night was hellish and I couldn’t sleep, so the very next day his mother cut my hair, so I could get away from some heat.

On his birthday we had a barbecue with his sisters, Pia and her fiancée David, Tina and her daughter Frida, Iza and their mother. It was a bit scary, this hanging out thing. At least David and Kentiz shared a musical interest so they actually got along. Later that evening we got invited to Pia and Davids apartment to watch a film. “Old Boy” was the film of the evening and it was nice, and David and Kentiz actually got along, which was a bit surprising.

I didn’t know how to act around Frida though. She’s almost two and I could always play with my brothers at that age, but Frida is not my kid or someone I’m related to which makes it a bit awkward. I’m scared I’ll do something wrong, or that I’ll act in a weird way.

Practice.

It’s almost five years ago.
It feels like I was someone else completely back then.

When I’m with my fiancé, I feel like I’m normal. He does not question me when I say I can’t handle certain things or touch certain objects. He does not think I’m lazy or that I’m just not trying hard enough. He accepts me as me, with all that it entails. It’s a strange, strange feeling.

We first met at a party trough a friend of mine. They had known each other for years and I had been living some 800 kilometres away, so it wasn’t really strange, the “never met”-part. It was definitely a “What? I do that too!”-thing, only stronger. We discussed silly details, like how you move troops in Warcraft, and I asked questions about how he felt with people touching him. Quite normal.

I usually get very tired from hanging out with people. I need time to rest, and I prefer not to see people too often. Once or twice per week if they’re farther away than 20 minutes by bus. This screws things up with “being normal” and “having friends”. I need to know abut stuff a few days in advance so I can get myself ready. When I’m with him, I’m not tired. I don’t need any time for myself. It’s effortless. It’s like I’m alone, but I’m not. It’s like we’re just one person. I suspect it’s because we’re both aspies.

It’s been seven months now. It feels like a week at the most. It feels like we’ve known each other forever. It feels like I’m normal.

It’s a lovely feeling.

My monthly visitor came today and ruined my fun. It hurts so bad, and I’ve decided to stop taking painkillers if I’m not dying, so I’ll just have to live with it. It sure makes me feel like crap though.

I’ve become a lot more emotional lately. I cry when people are rescued on “I shouldn’t be alive” and just a few days ago I actually cried at “World’s most amazing videos”. Hormones are not my friends.

I might have a new apartment soon. I’m almost getting a bit desperate, even though I’ve got at least three months left.

Back again.

I’ve been away for far too long. Two years or so. After the horrible election I just couldn’t write anymore.

Things have changed.

I moved, I moved again, I broke up witht he boyfriend, I met someone else, I got engaged, I’m gonna move again.
I never change. I’m still the same. Paranoid, lonely, afraid and still haven’t got a friend to talk to about things that worry me.
People always say they write for themselves, and not for anyone else. I don’t. I write for the ones I hope will read it.
I want them to read it so they see how I feel, since they never ask me that question.

I’m not someone to care about and I question people’s motives way too much to become their friend. But they don’t care about me, or invite me, or call me, or write to me, so how am I supposed to trust them or feel that they want to be my friends? It’s all empty words.

I just move and hope it will change. It never changes.

Since I was 16 years old I’ve kept up this cycle of moving. I’ve moved sixteen times in nine years. This will be move number seventeen.

Will this be the One? Maybe I’ll get friends, friends that care about me. Someone to talk to when everything feels like total shit and I feel like I want to die.

Maybe this is the one.
I always say that though…
Always.